Courage is fear that has said its prayers

Part 1

2008-07-15T12:21:39Z

Title: Going wrong (Part 1)

Characters: Fernando Torres, Xabi Alonso, Daniel Agger, Jamie Carragher, Steven Gerrard, Sergio Ramos, Carles Puyol, David Villa (he's mentioned in this part, but you'll not notice).. Others will be presented in the next part.

Pairings: Fernando Torres / Sergio Ramos (even if it might seem that it’s going to be Fernando Torres / Daniel Agger).

Summary: AU!Fic… A 21 years old Fernando, first year in University, falls in love with Daniel Agger, but the latter feels nothing towards Fernando. Fernando didn’t think there’s a way to get out of his 5 months-long obsession… Until Sergio Ramos, a guy who he used to fight with on net over football, walks slowly into his life and heart. More details on plot…

Words: 2,187
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: As far as I know, these are footballers, so nothing is true, ect ect.

A/N: This story happened, but not to these guys. I dunno if I got the characters right, as I’m using my own characters… plus its ages since I wrote a thing. My first AU, so please be kind. Feedback is love, and I’m open for suggestions. Also, huge thanks to my flist, coz they gave me the courage to post this :) and ummm. I think I need a beta, so if anyone is interested… just let me know in the comment. Oh, and the fic starts on 1^st October, 2007. Any references to Champions league games really happened.

Grabbing his keys from the table, Fernando walked out of his house. On the way he made sure he had everything with him; the blank time-table he printed, which Xabi sent him over MSN, the letter that was sent to him from the University and all the other needs. With the iPod earphones inside his ears, he waited for bus to arrive, listening to a random song.

He had had enough of school, and wanted to rest for a long time. After almost three years of doing nothing, he decided to try University. What frightened him mostly was being left alone; that’s why he didn’t continue school. In high school, he spent his last year with only one friend. If that friend was absent, he would remain alone for the whole day. It wasn’t that he wasn’t friendly, but he met with the wrong persons.

With the music inside his ears he didn’t hear the mobile, but he saw its light when it beeped. He opened the new message, which was Xabi asking him if he woke up. Smiling, Fernando typed the reply and put his mobile back in his pocket. The bus arrived; he gave the driver the money and took the ticket. As he usually does, he went to sit near the window. The bus moved and looking out of the windows, Fernando wondered if he’ll manage to make new friends.

At least it’s a start there’s Xabi, he smiled to himself.

After a few minutes, Fernando stepped out of the bus. He walked while he typed another message to Xabi and stopped by the gate. Looking around he saw so many confident students, all laughing and talking. After a couple of minutes he saw Xabi, grinning at him. He smiled shyly, and followed him into what will become a challenge to him. He was going to make new friends finally, after three years. It was time to get out of his shell.

As Xabi was climbing the few stairs, which would take you to the University foyer, he stopped midway. Fernando stopped right behind him and looked around. Xabi started talking to some random girl and for Fernando, time seemed to stop. Then there was this boy who was laughing, a laugh which made his insides melt uncomfortably. As he blinked, Xabi turned to talk to this boy.

“Fernando, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Fernando,” Xabi said, almost too quickly, with a smirk.

Daniel held his hands out and Fernando shook it, smiling shyly like he usually do, but this time it was a different. He felt himself blushing, maybe just because Daniel can become his first friend, besides Xabi. But, he didn’t have to blush, did he? He had to make new friends now. Xabi introduced him to Jamie and Steven as well, but this time it was normal. No handshaking, just a wave. The day passed, Fernando went around the blocks to write his time-table, with the help of Xabi. He was quiet when he was around them, he wasn’t hundred percent himself and that thought made him angry with himself.

The first three days for the first years were free, so they can get used to the school. He went around with Xabi, to discover how the place worked. They went several times to the canteen with Daniel, Steven, Jamie and a girl. Everyone was talking, joking and laughing, and he was still quiet.

Why is this happening again, he thought. Can’t I have friends whom I feel comfortable with?

Twice Xabi tried to insert him in the conversation, with no results. When Xabi began his lectures, he left and went home. On the bus he thought of how uncomfortable he felt and then, there was this Daniel. He had something special in Fernando’s eyes. But Fernando shook his head, he can’t like him.

As he arrived home he went directly on the computer (like he usually does). Signed in on MSN, checked emails, set his status to busy and started to play. He really tried to concentrate on the game, but his mind kept thinking of Daniel and his laugh. After three hours of playing, he clicked the quit button and went back on MSN, to see that Sergio Ramos messaged him.

This year the greatest team of the world (i.e. Real Madrid) is going to beat Atléti-

Fernando didn’t even continue to read; he clicked on the red cross button and ignored him. He surely wasn’t in the mood of another argument with Sergio now, because that’s how it usually ends between him and Sergio. He still doesn’t know who the heck this Sergio is. He met him over the net and from the day he added him on msn, they never had a decent conversation. They always end up fighting on Real Madrid and Atlético Madrid. But that’s how they met: when Fernando was lurking around on Hi5 and he clicked on Sergio’s profile. There he saw a comment posted, with a picture against his Atlético.

Fernando, being Fernando, replied to that comment, and heck. From that day Sergio wouldn’t stop tormenting him on MSN.

Fernando was lost in thoughts, when the usual msn sign-in beep was heard. Xabi signed in. Click.

They talked, Fernando’s heart beating faster than usual, and he didn’t know the reason. Then Xabi asked a question, which he dreaded, which made his heart miss a beat.

What do you think of Daniel?

Fernando blinked, while he thought of a response. He couldn’t tell his current closest friend that his best friend made his insides melt. Telling him that he seems a nice guy though was a good reply. At least, he thought so.

Mmm okay, good, Xabi wrote, together with a smiley face. Fernando thought he was dead. He couldn’t ask what that means, because he was afraid of the reply. Afraid of being disappointed… Afraid of finally winning something he wanted, even though he still didn’t know how much he liked him.

Tomorrow first lecture… Fernando made sure he packed his semi-empty bag with things he needed, while thinking how could the first lecture be. I wonder if I see him tomorrow... Arghh… He couldn’t stop thinking about that guy, who had a unique smile. As he rested his head on the pillow, his mind still thinking about how his life changed in one day, he closed his eyes. I still can’t understand what I feel for him though, he kept thinking. Shy is a word that describes Fernando, and that connects him to Daniel, because Daniel acted as if he was shy around Fernando. They never talked in the previous three days, even though they exchanged glances. Maybe…

Quarter past six in the morning, and Fernando’s alarm started to ring. Waking up almost too quickly, he went directly to the bathroom, and took a quick shower. As the water hit his face, an image came to his mind. He couldn’t believe that he thinks of this guy twenty four hours a day. At least he didn’t dream of him, for now.

When he was ready from everything, as a normal routine he checked he had everything; mobile, money, iPod, keys plus his bag. He couldn’t tell he wasn’t excited and nervous, his heart could be felt beating faster than the normal rate. As he chewed a gum to calm his nerves, he inserted the earphones in his ears, to hear the usual songs. He would go nowhere without his iPod, or at least something that keeps him from staring at others, because if he hated something, it would be those people who stare. At quarter past eight he was already climbing those stairs for the fourth time, where he shook Daniel’s hand.

He immediately met with Xabi, who was still alone. They sat down as they started a conversation on the Champions league games, which were played the day before.

“… And I tell you, you should have seen Dida, he could be a good actor…” he was saying giggling, discussing Milan’s game against Celtic.

Fernando though, wasn’t paying much attention. He was looking around, looking for someone. The only two things that mattered for him that moment were Daniel and the first lecture. He hated that Daniel mattered to him. Hated it.

“Daniel!” shouted Xabi, while waving. Fernando looked at the direction which Xabi was looking at, where he immediately spotted Daniel. He walked towards them smiling, and Fernando could feel his heart beating faster and faster with every step that he was taking.

“Did you see Milan Celtic yesterday?” asked Xabi, as though that’s the only thing that mattered to him.

He couldn’t believe it, but… He admitted to himself now, he was falling in love with Daniel and his smile. And maybe a little too much. He didn’t fall in love since a long time, and it always hurt him.

“…like this…” was Xabi saying, as he touched Daniel’s face to show him something. When Xabi finished, Daniel was laughing and saying something, which Fernando didn’t understand as he didn’t follow the discussion. He was secretly inspecting Daniel’s lips, which seemed to be poisonous in his opinion.

As nine o’clock was coming close, they started to walk towards the stairs to go to their classrooms. Fernando still wasn’t sure how were the classes placed, so he just followed. As he waved goodbye to them, he didn’t notice that Daniel didn’t wave or at least say ‘bye’. If he did, maybe he would’ve prevented his heart from breaking. He was excited and slightly worried about his first lecture. After three years, he was going to start studying again.

He looked around and saw a couple of shy first years, in front of room 146, waiting timidly for their lecturer. He could sense that they were nervous like him and as the lecturer finally arrived, everything seemed to become easier for them. But Fernando was still a bit nervous. He placed himself at the back of the room, together with a boy who asked him something outside the room. While he tried to pay attention to the teacher and the boy simultaneously, because heck, the boy wouldn’t shut up, a billion of thoughts were running inside his mind. Daniel, next lesson, Daniel, my three hour break, friends, Daniel. Why is Daniel becoming so freaking important, after only four days?

As the lecturer dismissed the class, he ran to find his computing class because he thought he was late. Room 227, he read on his time table. He entered the room which was almost empty; the lecturer still didn’t arrive. Now he felt calmer than before, as he was getting used to being at school again. I might get used to this system, plus new friends and who knows, Daniel… His thoughts were interrupted by a boy, who set by his side.

“Hi, can I sit here or is anyone-?” he began asking.

“No no, you can sit,” said Fernando smiling.

“My name is Carles,” he said enthusiastically.

“Fernando,” he replied with the thought that this Carles might be one of his friends already.

“I’ve been terrified because in this class I had no friends,” Carles said while he got out his pocket.

“Me too, actually I have no friends in every class, I know no one.”

“Really? No, I know people…”

They immediately started to talk, while Fernando finally relaxed and his day seemed to get better and better. After that lecture he had Maths, where he noticed that he’s not the only one who was panicked. A boy who came about five minutes late seemed to be more nervous than how was Fernando at the start of his day. As Fernando saw this boy, he wanted to help him but he didn’t get the courage to talk to him. Oh well.

His first day at school ended quickly, even though he was slightly disappointed. In his three hours break he went to home, where he relaxed a bit. Then for the last two lessons, which were both computing, he was alone, as Carles decided to find another guy, whom he knew before. As Fernando was alone packing his things, he just sighed. Maybe it won’t be that easy to become close to anyone.

Friday, his second day at school, was more interesting. He had Spanish with a teacher, who happened to be a fanatic of football and Barcelona. He even asked if someone likes football, where Fernando proudly replied that he supported Atlético (to which he got an ‘at least not Real Madrid’, a huge rant about it and an Atlético boy nickname). His last lecture was computing again, where he met with Carles again, who told him to sit next to him if he wants.

“Hey, if you want, you can sit with me anytime you like,” Carles said smiling. He even introduced Fernando to another guy.

At the end of the week he was hopeful again. Hopeful that he can make new friends, hopeful that he can have fun at University… He didn’t know about Daniel, but he didn’t want to think.

To be continued…

Fic...

2008-07-13T00:22:49Z

Title: Going Wrong

Main characters: Fernando Torres, Sergio Ramos, David Villa, Iker Casillas, Pepe Reina, Daniel Agger, Xabi Alonso.

Minor Characters: Cesc Fàbregas, David Silva, Andrés Iniesta, Steven Gerrard, Jamie Carragher, Carles Puyol.

Pairing: Fernando Torres / Sergio Ramos mainly. [Fernando Torres / Daniel Agger (implied, but nothing will happen), David Villa / David Silva (implied)]

Where this story came from:

In 9 months, a person can pass from many things, especially when they start a new school (after a summer which seemed to be 3 years long). So, just for your information, the story which I’m gonna share really happened. Not to these guys of course, they were never in the true story. But it did happen to someone. Some things were changed; like dates, football clubs, people (of course), events and the ending, so that it would fit. It’s my first AU fic, and my first writing after months, almost a year.

Plot:

This is an AU fic, which mainly centers on Fernando Torres, a 21 year old boy, who passed the previous 3 years home playing on computer and doing almost nothing. After finishing high school, he spent his days playing on computer and helping his mother, because she was ill. He had only a few friends, those who he’d only talk to them online, like Xabi Alonso (his closest friend) and Sergio Ramos (he didn’t actually talk to him, he fought with him). He always found it difficult to make friends, especially after he met with wrong people, who used him and re-used him. His last year in high school was hell for him: he had only one friend, and they weren’t even close… They were just school friends. But when this friend was absent, Fernando passed his whole day at school alone.

When he started to talk to Xabi on MSN, he told him how fantastic University can be: the best place to make friends. So Fernando’s interest grew, especially when Xabi promised to help him with everything. In his mind he was sure that he’ll pass his free time with Xabi and his friends. Then maybe he’ll even make new friends, and who know, someone might fall in love with him. As he started university though, everything was the contrary…

Facts:

* The name of the fic was taken from a song, Going Wrong by Armin Van Buuren. The lyrics will fit perfectly at the end of the series, and the song will be mentioned. Video here. Download song here. Lyrics here.
* The pairing Fernando Torres / Sergio Ramos will not happen immediately. It's gonna take like three parts before it is mentioned. I will try and keep the Fernando Torres / Daniel Agger implied short.
* Many songs will be mentioned during the fic. I will upload every one of them here. I use the songs because I believe that some have lyrics that really can be used in real life.
* This fic is usually written after midnight, coz that's when my bunnies decide to start working (especially after a shower). I'm writing it from my heart, really from deep down, and sometimes it hurts to write some things. So I hope you like it.
* This entry will be updated with new facts, songs and links to parts. Hopefully.

Part 1

Friends cut #2

2007-12-27T12:07:35Z

So. I never thought I'll make a friends cut, but when I saw that some of you never update, I did one. Now I feel I need to cut those people who are in my list and I don't read. I'm sorry, but if I don't read you, it's not fair for you. And I guess you do not read neither, so it's not fair on me as I talk about things and I'm kinda sharing them with you.

If someone wants to re-added, you're more then welcome, I will make an effort to read if you do. But to those who feel like me, I just want to say bye, it was nothing against you, I just needed to clear my f-list. List:

zyxi
sully_is_hott
slaygalthessily
littlenightlite
iamnayeli
heathersusan
girlwithradio
fungusinmymilk
danceanddance

Friends Cut -- headdesk

2007-10-03T14:36:27Z

Despite I hate friends cut, I will do one. It's not important if you comment or not, but if you didn't update since July!? I dunno. I understand that you may have school or work, or that you're busy, but you shall advice 'kay? I'm giving a second change to those who used to comment / I used to comment on their journals.

cup_of_cake - you didn't update since 17th July and commented 1 time on my journal.
happyxdaze - you update just 3x, and the last on was on 18th July. Never commented.
ljiker- never updated, never commented (not even to be added, but I just added you).
norwegianeyes- you didn't update since 10th September, and when you last updated, you bombarded my f-list page by several posts. You commented twice.
ohbatman - you didn't update since 16th September. Never commented.
qforquack- you didn't update since 11th September. Never commented (not even to be added, but I just added you).
way_back_home- you didn't update since 28th August. Never commenter.

I'm sorry if somehow I offended you.

If you want me to add you back, feel free to comment here and I'll add ya immediately. If not, it's been a pleasure knowing you.

Also, those who weren't removed, and don't want me on their f-list (maybe because I ramble way to much about footy and my Roma? Or maybe because I just annoyed ya, or maybe I just don't comment too often as they wish) please take this opportunity to tell me and remove me.

For the others, who I comment on their journal often, I will never remove ya, coz y'all great xxx.

Fic: in a different world

2007-10-02T17:50:22Z

Title: In a different world

Characters: Steven Gerrard/(Xabi Alonso) (But you can make your own characters, as they’re not named.

Summary: Steven woke up and found himself in a different country, where the culture and language is very different. He doesn’t know what he did, but a girl helps him remember that he escaped.

Rating: PG

A/N: So, the country is Malta, and the strange language is Maltese. For translations, go to the bottom of the page. The girl is described as I am, including her house and room. The other people are real people. The street is my street. So the place is not made up. I was walking today and thought of this fic. I tried a ‘different’ kind of fic, so please be kind and comment about it. I wrote this to remove the stress and excitement of tonight’s game and because time is too slow. Btw, this is crap *headdesk* but I wanted to post it. Also, this is unbeta’ed. Sorry if it annoys you. All mistakes are mine.

Disclaimer: If Steven is at Malta, and I met him, I wouldn’t be her. This is fiction. But the girl belongs to me, as it is me lol.

You open your eyes and find yourself in a place you don't know how to describe. You were on a marble doorstep, behind you a wooden door and in front of you a cream car. Ford fiesta, you read, looking inside it. Now you're walking, passing people who look at you, some are whispering, others just staring. You notice that they’re staring at everyone, not only you. Curious people, you think.

Dirty street, full of holes and rubbish on the road. You are surrounded by buildings, some of them dirty as the street, others worse. You look into another car, a Manchester United towel is on the seat.

So I’m in England, you think but you’re wrong. Your hear people passing by talking in a strange language;

“Ara dak, kemm jixbah il-dak il-player emmm… tal-football… x’jismu bhalissa?” says a young woman in her early twenties, with a baby in her hand and the other pointing at you without caring if she’s being rude or not.

You understand just too words: “Player and football”. Both concern you, have something to do with you. You try to remember but fail. You know that you must be somewhere else, not here. You must be in England, playing with your team and being with your family. Family… There’s something missing in your love life. Family, football…

“U mela jien nara il-football? X’jinteressani?” replies the other girl laughing, looking away from you. They begin giggling,

You stop walking and decide to ask someone what is this place. Too rude you think. There’s a short, tanned, muscled guy, working in a garage.

“Sorry, can I ask you something?” you ask politely.

“X’hix, man?” he replies without looking at you.

You, confused, asked him: “You know English?”

“English? U hallina man, ghandi x’naghmel ta`,” he says roughly. He continues to work, not caring if you’re still there or not.

You give up and walk away, desperate to know what the hell this country is. You stop again when you find the name of the street:

St. Henry Street

Triq San Neriku

A young teen stops by your side as she watches you frowning at the street name.

“You need help?” she asks politely.

She has long reddish brown hair which is in front of her eyes. You look at her and you can sense that she’s different from the other girls you saw. She’s smiling at you and you looked at her, confused. You’re still unsure whether to tell her or not about whom you are. You decide that for now, you’ll tell her you’re lost.

“I’m kinda lost,” you reply rubbing your face.

“You look horrible…” you looked at her, slightly offended, but more confused, “Sorry, I didn’t mean you look ugly or something, but you surely need a bath cause you seem like a those poor man who go around begging for money.”

You look into a car mirror and agree with her, you look horrible and unrecognizable. Maybe that’s why they didn’t recognize you, which means you still have to go around like this. You need to call someone now, you need explanation. Memories are flooding back. Him. You’re here and it’s his fault.

“I need to make a call but I’m-”

“Come to my house,” she replies and she’s already walking to the other side of the street.

She stops by the marble doorstep you were on and when she grabs her keys you mumble: “That’s where I was when I woke up.”

“What!?” she asks frowning.

“Nothing, go on,” you tell her. You don’t want to tell any details now. You look at the sky which is full of grayish clouds, and think about someone. Yeah, now you remembered him. Life is so empty-

“Come,” she says and you enter in a dark hall. Your eyes fall on the frames which are hung on one side of the wall. In the first frame there’s a girl in a violet outfit with a lady which is wearing a hat and a suit. It must have been an important occasion you think. The girl was surely the same one that was in front of you, she still has the same smile. You look at the three frames which are in the middle of the wall. There are two boys, wearing the same shirt and shorts, and a baby girl, wearing a white dress. You briefly at the other frames and you take that she has two brothers.

“You’re curious,” she remarked as she began to climb the stairs.

“Uh-yeah.”

When you’re on the second floor she asks you if you want something to drink. You nod and she enters in a room, which you suppose it the kitchen, from where she brings two glasses and a bottle of orange juice. You follow her as she climbs the stairs once again and when you’re on the third floor she stops. You look around, noticing that there are four doors and a computer in front of a door. That door has a Roma badge attached on it and it’s the door she moves towards to. Italian?

When you enter the room you don’t believe your eyes: Roma posters on the wardrobe and wall, few Chelsea posters on the opposite wall and Liverpool posters on the other wall. There’s even an Arsenal player hung, and on the bed there are some Real Madrid pictures too. You feel strange, seeing yourself ‘famous’ again, at the center of attention.

“Who do you support!?” you ask, your eyes still wide, staring at every poster, your eyes then resting on his poster.

She grinned widely while replying: “Roma! But I kinda like Liverpool, Chel-”

“Okay, okay, I got it from the posters.”

You sit on the bed slowly while she pours some orange juice in the glasses.

“How did you get here?” she asks.

“I don’t know, and that’s what’s killing me. All I remember is I wanted to escape from my problems. And-”

“What problems?”

“You’re curious.”

She looked at you, then at a poster. Your eyes follow hers, and you see she’s looking at your poster.

“I’ll help you,” she said and she went to bring the phone.

Memories flooded back. His house. Fight. Your car. Pub. Your car. Airport. Tickets. Escape. Taxi. “To a bar please.”

“Oh gosh,” you mutter.

“What?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you what happened,” you replied.

When she’s back, you were going to ask her what country is this. But then you remember… So you began.

“I don’t know how this began, I don’t even know how did it happen but I felt strange. Loving a team-mate is surely strange. Man with man, two famous footballers. We play for a big team, we are considered as idols. Problems are created, because we’re both in a relationship, I have kids. I have a family. My team-mates are getting suspicious and the media is not stupid. We promised nothing will change, no matter what. If he loves me, and I love him, we’ll make love every time we can. Because even if it’s male with male, we belong to each other.”

You stop and take a breath, you heart is beating fast and you feel your blood running.

“But that night, he didn’t keep his promise. He told me that we have to stop this. All because his girlfriend is pregnant and a fan told him ‘and what about him’… Him, referring to me.”

You stop again and sigh, tears forming in your eyes.

“I drove away, far away. Stopped by a bar, got some beer and drove to an airport. Thanks to me being famous, I got a ticket easily. I didn’t know what destination it was, I was destroyed emotionally and mentally. I just wanted to escape. Escape. Escape. It felt ohhh so right. When I…I…”

You put your head in your hands and begin sobbing. You wanted to escape from him, because he hurt you and you miss him. You want him all yours, but you can’t.

She bites her lips, not knowing what to do. She pats your back and you stop sobbing.

You continue: “I arrived in Malta and called a taxi. Yeah, my friend told me that in Sliema there are some good hotels and a good bar named ‘the step-down bar’. Good bar because the man is okay. That’s the only city I knew so I told him Sliema, stop near the step-down bar. I went there, a man with a grey pony-tail greeted me and I drank. I don’t remember how I, but I guess I slept on your doorstep.”

She is speechless. You managed to confuse her. Your eyes are still red but you stopped crying.

“The step-down bar is just around the corner,” she says to inform you. “And thanks to Lord that my family are all on vacation.”

“Oh.”

Silence. About five minutes of silence.

“Go on, phone him,” she says finally. She got up and motioned you to follow her. She leads you up the roof and she leaves. You look around, the cordless phone in your left hand. You hesitate before dialing his number.

Shall I?

You dial and it rings.

“Hello?”

You don’t talk. What the hell am I doing?

“Where are you? I miss you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean those words. Forgive me, I was a bastard.”

You still don’t talk. Talk, please, talk, you beg yourself.

“Forgive me, please, I beg you, return here.”

You hung up and look at the dark sky. There’s only some the moonlight visible now, it’s already night. You feel lost. You don’t understand why you didn’t reply, or why did you hung up. But you know one thing: he hurt you too much. For once, your mind dominated your body, and it beat your heart. Yeah, your heart lost, and you mind won, because when you remember that night, your heart breaks.

“Go away,” he said.

“Why?”

“She’s pregnant for God’s sake!”

“But… But…”

“No buts this time, sorry. Just leave and we’ll live happy with our families.”

“BUT YOU PROMISED ME THAT WE WILL NEVER CHANGE A THING BETWEEN US,” you shouted.

“But we have to change, everyone is suspecting!”

“What the hell!? You said, ‘no, no one can ever change a thing between us until we love each other’…”

He didn’t reply.

“Wait… Don’t… Don’t tell me… You don’t love me anymore?”

He didn’t reply and you convinced yourself that he doesn’t love you anymore.

“THAT’S IT THEN! You don’t fookin’ love me anymore more! Go on, tell me! I’ll leave you in peace, go on tell me.”

“I don’t-”

He didn’t finish the sentence, you were already running out. What you don’t know is that he ended saying: “-wanna say it, coz it’s not true!”

You’re still looking up at the sky and the moon. You’re missing him, and you feel him. He’s missing you too. But you don’t care. You’re sacrificing everything, but it’s your final decision. You’ll begin a new life.

I still love you…

TRANSLATIONS:

Ara dak, kemm jixbah il-dak il-player emmm… tal-football… x’jismu bhalissa? - Look at that guy, he looks like that player emmm... of football... what's his name?

U mela jien nara il-football? X’jinteressani? - Do you think I watch football? What do I care?

X’hix, man? - What, man?

English? U hallina man, ghandi x’naghmel ta` - English? Leave me man, I have lots of things to do

-The end... Comments are love.

Fiction writer booo is back with a S/X fic

2007-08-17T23:59:05Z

Title: I don't wanna hear your name

Words: 1,318

Rating: R [I’m kinda bad at rating, so this might also be PG-13 anyway look at warnings]

Warnings: A depressed Xabi, of course there’s many swearing and slight mention of sex.

Disclaimer: If I owned these guys, I wouldn’t be writing these fics xD. In other words, this is not true.

Summary: Xabi and Stevie had a fight; Xabi went back to his house thinking that he hates him now. He is desperate, confused and broken. Until…

Xabi’s POV

I was walking back to my house, feeling... I didn't know how... I couldn't do anything; I just knew it will happen. I went up the stairs and sat on a chair, head in my hands, thinking of him. A tear left my eyes, I knew everything was over. I just couldn't bear it. I knew he's right, but it's fucken too hard to admit it. He's been trying to arrange our situation for these past months, but he couldn't... He couldn't do much; he had the wedding, he has his children, and still he tried. And I was selfish enough to shout at him. But... I did it for him. I... couldn't. I felt like I wanted to die. Yeah. But still, I couldn't.

I shall carry on with my life. I sat up and walked into the shower. I needed to wash myself, I felt... So dirty. I put soap on me, but it didn't help. I still felt dirty. Then I thought of him again. His fucken smile brought back into my mind. His fucken voice trembling into my mind, moaning and whispering my name each time I kiss him and... Well. And then... Thinking of his smile and voice isn't enough. I couldn't help but think of the shivers, straight to my back, as he touches me, kisses me from top to bottom. I could hear my heart, shouting stop it, I’m already broken but I couldn’t help it.

I stepped out of the shower, dressed and went out. Again. In the bloody wind. It was fucken cold, my bones were hurting and my body wanted to collapse, but this is exactly what I wanted. It’s nothing near to what my heart felt. I walked and walked. I didn’t know where my legs were leading me to, but I didn’t care; I just wanted to get away, forever.

Thinking and thinking, I didn’t see the few people around me, some staring, others whispering. I just walked, until I bumped into someone... Someone who looked familiar, but I couldn’t focus well. As he talked I recognized him.

It was Luis who said: “Xabi?” in a worried tone. I just nodded, trying to look away to hide my miserable face. But he knew me too well. He knew everything, from a to z. That means also the… the… well yeah, him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in a more worried tone. This time looked down at my shoes.

“Xabi?” he asked again. “Xabi, is it him?” I looked at him and then looked around. The few people who were staring at me disappeared, and now we were alone. I nodded slowly, feeling more desperate. I couldn’t talk, I just… felt like my heart was thrown away.

“I’m sorry,” he told me, sadness showing in his face too. I couldn’t resist anymore, I let a tear escape again. He opened his arms and hugged me, and I cracked up. I sobbed my heart out. I cried so much that I felt sick. Luis was great. He hugged me and patted my back. He consoled me as a good friend would. He told me that everything will be fine like parents do. He’s just… Great.

After a couple of minutes of non-stop crying, I looked up at Luis, with my face still wetted and my eyes red and swollen, and thanked him. He came home with me and ate with me. I was feeling better but then as he left, I felt sad again. Luis didn’t ask for explanations, didn’t ask what happened, didn’t know if we broke up or just fought, but he helped me a lot.

I went to my room, hugged my pillow and tried to sleep. No way. I closed my eyes, trying to push memories off my mind, but it didn’t work. I kept thinking about those magic moments. At the abandoned park, at this house, on this bed… This bed… This was what was making me think of him again. I grabbed the quilt and went in the living room. I sat on the sofa and slept there. Well, slept… I tried to sleep there. Again I couldn’t sleep well, but at least I didn’t have those kinds of memories. The memories where only a bed, him and me were present.

At 2.14am finally I slept. But at 2.57am I was awaken by a vibration under my hand. I searched in the dark for my mobile and with difficulty I pressed the receiver, without looking at who was calling, and responded: “I was sleeping for God’s sake… Who is it?”

I heard someone breathing heavily, and just from that sound I recognized him. We stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, just listening to each other breathing. I tried to talk, but I found it very tough. It was like talking to Luis when I met him in that park. Then I realized that for the third time, I was in tears again. I tried hard to hold, I didn’t want to let him know I was sobbing. But I couldn’t help it. I hugged my pillow and cried aloud. I tried to stop, and when I went silent again, I heard something. He was crying too, but the cry wasn’t coming from the mobile. I looked at the mobile and read that the call has ended. I stared at the open window and then after I figured out where was the sobbing coming from, I sprinted downstairs, almost tripping, to open the door.

He looked more terrible than I was. His hair was a mess and his eyes red and swollen, as though he had been crying for the last five hours non-stop.

“I just called…to ask you to open,” he said after a minute looking at each other.

“Stevie,” I whispered. He closed his eyes, fighting his tears back and I held my hand out. As he opened his eyes, he looked confused at me. “Come in,” I managed to say.

We walked inside and I led him through the living room. I sat on the sofa and motioned him to sit too. He was looking at me, he surely wanted to tell me many things, but couldn’t think of what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I surely had to do some explanations. “It’s all my fault, how could I shout at you? How could I say that you’re selfish? I’m so stupid Stevie, I am.”

He looked at me and smiled. That smile mended my heart and it was back to normal. I wanted that smile, I wanted that voice, I wanted that touch… “I forgive you as long as you forgive me. Sorry Xabi.”

“Oh Stevie, I don’t have anything to forgive you but your forgiven and you’ll always be,” I said as we got closer and closer. Everything was back to normal, I felt it. But this was a magical moment, and it had to be right. “I love you,” I added. That’s the magic word. It’s like a fairy tale now. It’s been like the first time.

He leant closer and whispered: “You stole those words from my mouth,” and kissed me on the lips. I put my hand on his face, while the other was on his waist. Somehow he was on top of me, kissing my neck. I was moaning his name. It felt better then the usual. I rolled him and now I was on top of him. I was kissing him from his ears to his tummy. Now he was moaning my name. This is what I wanted. To hear him, like the old good times, saying my name. It felt so good. And it still feels. As it feels good when I wake up and find myself hugging him. And as it feels good to be awaken by his lips, first kissing my lips and then whispering: “I love you”.

~ The End ~

A/N: This was written hmmm in June or July night when I suffered insomnia badly and I couldn’t sleep. So I wrote this fic on a paper but I never wrote it on pc. Today, as I didn’t have anything to do, I wrote it on pc very different from the original as I couldn’t find the paper but with the same idea, I just remember what I wrote that night, and expanded it. Here’s the result. I hope you like it even though its un-beta’d (Sorry for the grammatical errors). Comments are very much appreciated ♥♥♥.